Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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