I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize