I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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