Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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