was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
