I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
