I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
