Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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