in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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