Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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