I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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