small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
