she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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