i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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