Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
