He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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