I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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