My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
