Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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