i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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