Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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