am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
