this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
