I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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