I think I won the penis lottery.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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