He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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