I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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