i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
