You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
