its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
