I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
