Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
