Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
