i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
