There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
