Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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