I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
