I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
