Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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