i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
