the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
