Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
