I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
