I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
