Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
