I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
