I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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