first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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