saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
