I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
