I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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