I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
