My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
