o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
