i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
