You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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