I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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