This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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