and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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