Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
